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Pete's Jokes 2


Page Two

-------------------------------------------Smart Rejections:

Hey there! What are you doing tonight?
Sorry, I don't date outside my species!

Hi there! Where have you been all of my life?
Well ....., for most of it I wasn't born.

Is this seat empty?
Yes, and this one will be too, if you sit down!

Haven't I seen you some place before?
Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore!


A man is at the bar really drunk. Some guys decide to be good Samaritans and get him home. So, they pick him up off the floor and drag him home. On the way to the car, he falls down three times. When they get to his house, he falls down several more times. They ring the doorbell and one says, "Here's your husband". The man's wife says:
"Where the hell is his wheelchair?"

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbour was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish isn't it?" Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."


Two monkeys in a bath; one goes: "Ooh, ooh, ah, ah!". The other one says: "If it's that hot, put some cold in!".

A farmer was out on his Welsh hillside tending his flock one day, when he saw a man drinking with a cupped hand from the stream which ran down from one of his fields.

Realising the danger, he shouted over to the man "paid a yfed yr dwr! Mae'n uch-y-fi!" The man at the stream lifted his head and put a cupped hand to his ear, shrugged his shoulders at the farmer, and carried on drinking. Realising the man at the stream couldn't hear him, the farmer moved closer. "Paid fachgen! Dwr ych-y-fi! Sheep crappio yn y dwr!"

Still the walker couldn't hear the farmer. Finally the farmer walked right up to the man at the stream and once again said "Dwr yn ych-y-fi! Dim drinkio!"

"I'm dreadfully sorry my good man, I couldn't understand a word you said dear boy!" said the man at the stream in a fine English accent.

"Oh I see" said the farmer. "I was just saying, if you use both hands you can get more in..."

A man arrived home from work to find his dog with the neighbour's pet rabbit in his mouth. The man grabbed the rabbit from the dog, but the pet was obviously already dead. Terrified by what his neighbours would think, he took the bedraggled corpse indoors, gave it a bath and blow-dried its fur. Then he put it back in his neighbour's hutch. That way, he hoped, his neighbour would think it had died of natural causes over night. A few days later, his neighbour leaned over the garden fence and said: "Did you know that Fluffy had died?"
"Oh, no!", said the man, feigning ignorance.
"It was really strange", continued the neighbour, "we found him dead in his hutch the other day, so we buried him, but by the next day, someone had dug him up, bathed him and put him back! How sick can some people get, eh?".


And a few answer phone messages....

"Hello. I am home right now, but I can't find the phone. Please leave a message and I will ring you back when I find it!".

"Hello, this is Owen - I'm not home right now, but I can take a message. hang on while I find a pen and paper (open and close a draw). Ok, what do you want to say?".

"I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you leave your name and number, I'll get back to you when I'm here in person".

"A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why I'm not here, so please leave a message!".

"Hi, I'm probably home - I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave a message and if I don't call back, it's you!".

"Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say WILL be recorded and listened to by us".


A major earthquake measuring 4.8 on the Richter scale, hit in the early hours of Friday 17th October 2003 epicentred on Merthyr Tydfil, South Wales. Victims can be seen wondering aimlessly muttering: "How be?" "Tidy mind" and "Can't fault it butt'. The earthquake decimated the area, causing approximately $10 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementoes from the Balearics and Spanish Costas were damaged. Three areas of historic and scientifically significant burnt out cars were disturbed. Many people were woken well before their giro arrived. Thousands are confused and bewildered, trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting has happened in Merthyr. One resident, Sara-Angharad Davies, a 15-year-old mother of five said, "It was such a shock, little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Kylie-Storm slept through it. l was still shaking when I was watching Kilroy Silk the next morning, I was." Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime did carry on as normal. The British Red Cross have so far managed to ship 4000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken masses. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and bone china from Poundland.

This appeal is to raise clothing and food parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in it. Clothing is most sought after. Items required include:- Fila baseball caps, Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers), shell suits (female), white sports socks, Nike Air basketball boots and any other items usually sold in TK Maxx. Food parcels may be harder to put together but necessary all the same, required foodstuffs include:- Microwave meals, tins of baked beans, ice cream and cans of Colt 45 or special brew. $1 buys chips, scraps and blue pop for a family of four. $10 can take a family to Port Talbot for the day, where children can play on a radioactive beach in front of the National collection of steel works. $0.68 pays for a return bus ticket to the countryside where they can pick magic mushrooms to feed a family. $0.22 buys a biro for filling in a compensation claim. Please do not send tents for shelter, as the sight of "posh" housing is unfair on the population of neighbouring areas of Tredegar, Aberdare and Ebbw Vale!
(This bogus story was inserted at Pete's insistence - no offence meant in the slightest)


A guy walked into a bar carrying a crocodile and a chicken. He put them down on a stool and said to the barman, "I'll have a scotch and soda". The crocodile added, "and I'll have a whiskey and sour". The barman was amazed. "That's incredible", he gasped, "I've never seen a crocodile that could talk". "He can't", said the guy, "the chicken is a ventriloquist".