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Pete's Jokes 4

Ukrainian Tomato Garden

An old Ukrainian about 80 years old lived alone in Winnipeg. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was so hard.

His only son, Walter, who used to help him, was in prison in Prince Albert, Saskatchewan.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Walter,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.

At 4 a.m. the next morning, Royal Canadian Mounted Police and local Winnipeg police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you,



'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'
'Yes. What can I do for you?'
'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbour Virgil Smith. He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood. Don't quite know how he gets it inside them  logs, but he's hidin' it there.'
'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'
The next day, twelve Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
Shortly after, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd .... Did the Sheriff come?''
Did they chop your firewood?'
'Happy Birthday, buddy'

Rednecks know how to git-ER-dun!!!


A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young Mothers and their small children.

'You all have obsessions,' he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed
with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: 'Your obsession is
alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy By the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, we're leaving. Your brothers Peter, John Thomas and Willy are waiting for us.'


Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher : Excuse me?
Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?
Caller : No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.

Little Smart Ass ...

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Richard, the 11 year old kid next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.
Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?'
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error'.
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T' error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again?'
Richard grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'
'No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out'.

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T .. and I used to like the little shit.............


Wife versus Husband.

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws'.


A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'



A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
' The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!'


A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee'.
The husband said, ' You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee'.
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee'.
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me'.
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says..........'HEBREWS'

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper:
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM '.
He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said: 'It is 5:00 AM . Wake up'.
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.


Tech Support Humour

  • Tech Support: "Ok, let's put your operating system disk in the drive."
  • Customer: "Ok...which way does it go in?"
  • Tech Support: "The shiny side faces down."
  • Customer: "Alright...um...which way is down."
  • Tech Support: (rolling eyes) "Towards the floor."
  • Customer: "Ahhh...so what way does the other side face?"
  • Tech Support: "Are you kidding?"
  • Customer: (outraged) "Hey! I'm not a computer genius, ok? That's why I called you!"
  • Tech Support: "Ok, that side faces down too."


  • Her: "I'd like to save my work onto a floppy disk so I can take it with me."
  • Me: "Ok, after you are done typing your work, on the top you will see a blue bar. Below it is a gray bar with words on it. This is called the menu bar. On the menu bar, click the word 'File.' From there, you will see a gray box appear. On this gray box, click 'Save As'. On the top of the next gray box, click on the white box with 'Save In' next to it. From this next white box, click on '3 1/2 Floppy'."
  • Her: (writing all this down) "Ok, thanks, one more question."
  • Me: "Sure."
  • Her: "Does the floppy disk need to be in the computer when I save my work?"


  • Customer: "The install fails half way through. I tried several times, and it always fails at the same point."
  • Tech Support: "Did you see any kind of error message?"
  • Customer: "Yes."
  • Tech Support: "What did the error message say?"
  • Customer: "It said, 'Please insert Disk 2.'"
  • Tech Support: "Have you got another disk there?"
  • Customer: "Yes."
  • Tech Support: "Is it labelled 'Disk 2'?"
  • Customer: "Yes, it is."
  • Tech Support: "Insert that disk into the drive, and click 'OK'."
  • Customer: "Wow, thanks! That's fixed it. It's installing now. What was it, a faulty disk or something?"



  • Tech Support: "Ok, ma'am, I need you to do a ctrl-alt-del."
  • Customer: "How do I do that?"
  • Tech Support: "Push and hold 'ctrl' and 'alt' at the same time, and then hit 'delete'."
  • Customer: "Where are those?"
  • Tech Support: (explains the location of the keys)
  • Customer: "Nothing happened."
  • Tech Support: "Try again."
  • Customer: "Still nothing."

A minute or two later....

  • Customer: "Should I turn my computer on? Would that help?"
  • Tech Support: "Yeah, it might."


  • Tech Support: "Ok, I can help you install the software. Would you like me to do that?"
  • Customer: "Yes."
  • Tech Support: "All right, can you insert the disk in the disk drive please?"
  • Customer: "How?"
  • Tech Support: "Place the disk in the opening at the front of the computer."
  • Customer: "Will I have to have my computer delivered before we can do this?"
  • Tech Support: "Um yes, that might be an idea."


  • Tech Support: "Sir, Click Start, then Run, and type the letters C, M, and D."
  • Customer: "Wait a minute, don't run off the end of the earth away from me now. I can only go so fast with this thing."
  • Tech Support: "Sorry, sir. Did you click Start?"
  • Customer: "Where is that start button? Oh, here it is. Now what?"
  • Tech Support: "Um, did you click it?"
  • Customer: "Dammit, no, do that now?"
  • Tech Support: "Yes, then click on the word Run."
  • Customer: "Dammit, slow down!!! Run, run, run, where the hell is run?"
  • Tech Support: "Should be a the very bottom of the Start Menu that came up on the screen."
  • Customer: "I already clicked Start. Click it again?"
  • Tech Support: "No, it should be there in the lower left corner."
  • Customer: "Hey, I found the word Run. You want that instead?"
  • Tech Support: "Sure, why not? We'll see if that works. Did you click it?"
  • Customer: "Yes."
  • Tech Support: "Ok, type the letters C, M, and then D."
  • Customer: "Slow down, dammit!! I'm not a programmer!!! I told you I'm only a car dealer!!"
  • Tech Support: "Sorry, again, sir, what do you have there?"
  • Customer: "Z."
  • Tech Support: "No, we need 'C' like 'Charlie.'"
  • Customer: "C-H-A-R--"
  • Tech Support: "Not the whole word 'Charlie,' sir, just the 'C,' please."
  • Customer: "If you don't want a Charlie, why tell me to type it?"
  • Tech Support: "Um, what's in the box now?"
  • Customer: "I'm trying to find the eraser here."
  • Tech Support: "Just hit the backspace key."
  • Customer: "That just moves it further to the right without typing anything."
  • Tech Support: "Which backspace key did you press?"
  • Customer: "The long one in the middle. I pressed it on the back side."

Eventually, we "found" the correct backspace key and got that Z replaced with a C.

  • Tech Support: "Now that we just have a 'C' there, type an 'M,' like 'Mary,' but just the 'M,' ok?"
  • Customer: "M-O-K."
  • Tech Support: "Remember that backspace key?"
  • Customer: "Yes."
  • Tech Support: "Press it twice."
  • Customer: "All right, but it took off the 'O' and 'K' you wanted."
  • Tech Support: "Never mind that, I'll live. Now type a 'D,' just the letter D."
  • Customer: "D. Now what?"
  • Tech Support: "Now press the enter key."
  • Customer: "E-N-T-E-R."
  • Tech Support: "Is there anyone else around the lot that is maybe a little more familiar with computers than you are?"
  • Customer: "Well, my wife uses one at her work and might be a little more familiar. She comes in an hour. You want to talk to her?"
  • Tech Support: "Yes, please."


  • Tech Support: "Thank you for calling customer service, and how may I help you?"
  • Customer: "I can't get it to do."
  • Tech Support: "Excuse me, ma'am?"
  • Customer: "I can't get my Internet to do."
  • Tech Support: "Let's check your setup."
  • Customer: "Okey dokey."
  • Tech Support: "Are you at your desktop?"
  • Customer: "Yes."
  • Tech Support: "Do a double click on the 'My Computer' icon."
  • Customer: "I don't see that one."
  • Tech Support: "What screen are you on, and what does you desktop look like?"
  • Customer: "Wood."
  • Tech Support: "What's on your screen, ma'am?"
  • Customer: "A bunch of names."
  • Tech Support: "Like what?"
  • Customer: "Bill, George, Larry, Jim."
  • Tech Support: "What screen are you on?"
  • Customer: "I am on the one I'm on. I need to go get my daughter. She's the computer guru of the family."
  • Tech Support: "Great, thank you."
  • April: "Hi, I'm April, and you are?"
  • Tech Support: "Mike."
  • April: "Mike. Cool, dude."
  • Tech Support: "Are you at your desktop?"
  • April: "You will have to excuse my mother. She's a little dense."
  • Tech Support: "No problem."
  • April: "How old are you?"
  • Tech Support: "300 years old. I'm the 'Highlander.' Um, would you do a double click on the 'My Computer' icon?"
  • April: "Sorry, I don't see that one."
  • Tech Support: "What do you see?"
  • April: "Bill, George, Larry, and Jim."
  • Tech Support: "What version of Windows are you using?"
  • April: "Ninety-something I guess."
  • Tech Support: "Erm. Shut down the computer and reboot."
  • April: "Ok...." (pause) "Done."
  • Tech Support: "What does your screen say?
  • April: "Bill, Larry, Jim, Barbie, and Wimper."
  • Tech Support: "Just for kicks, do a double click on 'Bill,' and see what happens."
  • April: "What is this?"
  • Tech Support: "What did it do?"
  • April: "It now has little folders: modems, devices, etc."
  • Tech Support: "Why was your 'My Computer' icon named Bill?"
  • April: "I wanted to name it something cute. Did I screw up?"